Some fragmented thoughts on American dumplings, authenticity and appropriation, markers of identity, loathing and longing, and stunning almost-Vietnamese cuisine
I think I am constantly navigating the tension of being bi-racial (Dutch and North African), born in Canada to immigrant parents. Brown, but not brown enough, raised Dutch, looking like I could be anything from South Asian, to Latinx - African but the brown kind. I feel very untethered to any one culture, identity etc. Right now, a sweet potato/kale/sausage hash is my go to meal till my garden starts produces!
I'm curious where you think that tension comes from; is it societal pressure, or something within yourself, or both? But what a gift you are, simply as you. I suppose I grieve that you are made to feel as if you have to be anything in particular, beyond your interesting, wonderful self.
I have to say, it seems fitting that your go-to meal is a hash—so many different ingredients coming together to form a lovely whole.
Great question, I think it is probably rooted in a longing for community and belonging without having to justify my 'right' to be there...which is often a challenge for biracial folks. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words and beautiful insight to my 'hash'. That made me smile!
I get that—both the longing for belonging, in a very personal way, as well as the particularity of the challenge for biracial folks, obviously in a less personal way. I often come back to something Kwok Pui Lan told me about creating her own sense of belonging, rooted in her belovedness to God, wherever she goes, such that she surrenders the need to justify anything. It's something I have not gotten very good at, but I'd like to be someday.
Once again, I am blown away by the depth of your writing. Authenticity and appropriation are such fraught topics and we should never let them stand in the way of appreciation and awareness and wonder. Thank you so much for this newsletter!
I'm sorry, but the mention of Chinese food and Trader Vic's made me laugh. It reminded me of Warren Zevon and his song Werewolves of London. I know, it's an obscure reference. The first verse starts
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
For to get a big dish of beef chow mein
And a little later in the song…
I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walking with the Queen,
Doin' the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinkin' a piña colada at Trader Vic's
A few years after you visited Topeka-my home town, Aaron Jackson bought the house across the street from WB Baptist and turned it into the Rainbow House. https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10168353363365414&set=a.10152356052550414. I hope you can access the Facebook post. It makes me smile every time I drive by. Davis Hammet, who helped him paint the house, has stayed and advocates for human rights. P.S.--yes, our Chinese (American) restaurants have too much fried stuff and not enough vegetables. :)
Since I frequently operate "outside" "my" culture or see myself as a border-crosser, your thoughts on identity touch me deeply; and because I feel myself in aging transition, not sure where to land, I need much more reflection. Perhaps in this time of angry division, trying to be just a good human is a worthy goal.
Beulah, I am also in aging transition, and the best gift of this time period for me has been the gift of time to think about things. Working part-time, not being in the rat race or raising children, and able to process (properly) some things in my life--I have needed that for a long time. I hope your journey is a meaningful one for you :-)
I had to laugh at myself. I thought, "how could he know if he likes Crab Rangoon after just one bite at one place?" Then you described it & yeah that's exactly like how it is. I love it. Ha!
I was hoping to see a fourth emancipatory thing on your list: Perhaps the emancipatory thing that I want to be willing to say is that I will spend less energy judging myself...
From one Cantonese American to another, here's hoping that you get a chance to revel in the sounds of Canto again soon. My partner (Taiwanese American) *loves* crab rangoon so I was laughing while reading this. Loved where you took this essay.
Sometimes I'll put some Cantopop on, and if I'm in a city with a Chinatown, I'll inevitably find myself there at some point. But it would be nice to feel functional again in the language beyond the ability to order food haha.
I really resonate with the grief surrounding loss of language. I speak Thai but am so rusty as it’s been over 14 years since I lived there and I have no one to practice with. I read an article once about a person who chose to only consume media in her first language during the season of lent as a way to reconnect with it. I would love to try that at some point, but maybe start with a shorter period of time.
I am chuckling at the fact that you were interviewing members of Westboro Church in Topeka, KS. I was born and raised in NE Kansas and my good friend used to live a block from Westboro. May I share with you what never failed to lift my spirits when driving by that church? The blatantly rainbow painted house sitting catty-corner from it!!! Bless them for making that statement. Did you see it when you were there? I just saw that someone beat me to the punch with the rainbow house story!
I loved everything about this newsletter except your lack of appreciation for Crab Rangoon. Ha! I suggest that you mix some hot mustard (probably not Chinese either) into the bright red sauce. While I was reading, I was thinking about how I identify myself. Overeducated, retired, middle class, gay, white, woman would click a lot of boxes but I primarily want to be known as a caring and compassionate person.
Jeff, When I read this note it sounded in my head like a confession and request for forgiveness. (My childhood church was ELCA.) I “positively appropriated” your words and edited them to fit that format. I’m working on a personal statement of who I am and who I strive to become. These words, or something like them may end up a part of that statement. (Being authentically me, though, I’m *never* eating Crab Rangoon or Chop Suey. 😊) My favorite meal right now is kalamata and large green olives with spices and feta over toasted ciabatta bread drizzled with a little olive oil.
Lord, I confess I have let my fear of being misunderstood overshadow my courage simply to be who I am—and to let others be who they are. I have not been as openhearted as I would like to believe. I have become so distracted by what I loathe that I have lost sight of what I love.
Forgive me. Help me authentically live the identity that I most wish to live--that of a decent, generous human. Help me spend less energy judging others, and give me the energy to expend the effort toward being the kind of person I wish to encounter—curious and compassionate, loving and kind.
I’m still healing from years of narrow thinking even when I thought I was thinking broadly.
Your words about identity are encouraging and what I’m hoping to live into the next 40 years.
“He rejects superficial purity tests in favor of a hospitable posture that points us toward deeper healing. Enough with the gatekeepers. Enough with the scarcity models that underlie the inflexible labels. Enough with the fixation on what is mine and what is yours. Enough with narrow views of identity and ownership.”
Thank you Jeff. You write so beautifully and so deeply. I can’t express enough what this means to me.
Mahalo for this post and these thoughts. I often wondered, when I was in seminary, about being an indigenous person living in a far away land. So many of my cultural practices are tied to Hawaii, and being a part of her particularities - chants for different seasons, or different flowers, or different ocean states; hula for various beloved places or a particular type of wind only found in one town, etc. I thought and struggled a lot with what it meant to be kanaka mail in a place that is not Hawaii. Is indigeneity tied to blood? Surely not, as blood quantum is an oppressive colonial idea, meant for erasure and not liberation. Is it tied to practice? Anyway. .. .mahalo for the ways you have shared your thoughts and your struggling on this topic. Right now a favorite meal is a really large cheeseboard / charcuterie with lots of fresh garden veggies, eaten every Friday night with our 3 year old foster son in front of a movie.
Thank you for the reminder that being a decent human, generous, kind and curious is a worthy goal. I was recently asked what my “brand” is by a work colleague and it stumped me. I think you’ve given me some words to answer that question (because I DO in fact have to answer it).
My favorite meal recently is blackened Mahi Mahi with a salad, Italian dressing and must have homemade tartar sauce made with Japanese mayo and Grillo’s pickles.
I’m not a fan of crab Rangoon because I don’t like crab but I love a cream cheese wonton! Sorry not sorry!
Also… Your post has me thinking about the ways we appropriate all kinds of food from other places and I wondered, when “American food” (is there really anything American? IDK) is appropriated in other places, do they do the same? Is a burger or a hot dog changed to meet the tastes of the culture in which it’s dropped?
Maybe they are? So is there any food that’s really “American?” I think most of us have food that tastes like home or comfort. And whatever that is, I think it’s a beautiful thing. My kids are coming to visit for a few days and they will invariably ask for something to eat that tastes like home. I love the power of food and the way it brings us together, appropriated and morphed or not!
i truly did not ever anticipate seeing Frederick Buechner and crab rangoon in the same sentence, ever. relating to much of what you shared, especially "chinese on the outside but losing fluency of my first language". i can still read of most chinese menus posted on the walls at chinese restaurants, for which there are no english translations for though, so holding on to this little piece. the reminder to be like the tulips are a timely reminder for me. appreciate you!
Thank you so much for this, Jeff! My husband and I have a reoccurring conversation about whether labels are freeing or restrictive - probably because they are both.
The “decent generous human” is a really powerful resonant choice of words. I’m going to be sitting with that phrase for awhile.
I was going to write a whole tangent about cheese and the ability to digest milk into adulthood (because there was an interesting note about it in “Eating to Extinction”, which I finished reading recently) but it got too long too quickly and I don’t really know anything so I’ll spare you all. But it is fascinating! XD
I think I am constantly navigating the tension of being bi-racial (Dutch and North African), born in Canada to immigrant parents. Brown, but not brown enough, raised Dutch, looking like I could be anything from South Asian, to Latinx - African but the brown kind. I feel very untethered to any one culture, identity etc. Right now, a sweet potato/kale/sausage hash is my go to meal till my garden starts produces!
I'm curious where you think that tension comes from; is it societal pressure, or something within yourself, or both? But what a gift you are, simply as you. I suppose I grieve that you are made to feel as if you have to be anything in particular, beyond your interesting, wonderful self.
I have to say, it seems fitting that your go-to meal is a hash—so many different ingredients coming together to form a lovely whole.
Great question, I think it is probably rooted in a longing for community and belonging without having to justify my 'right' to be there...which is often a challenge for biracial folks. Thanks for your kind and encouraging words and beautiful insight to my 'hash'. That made me smile!
I get that—both the longing for belonging, in a very personal way, as well as the particularity of the challenge for biracial folks, obviously in a less personal way. I often come back to something Kwok Pui Lan told me about creating her own sense of belonging, rooted in her belovedness to God, wherever she goes, such that she surrenders the need to justify anything. It's something I have not gotten very good at, but I'd like to be someday.
That hash sounds wonderful!
Once again, I am blown away by the depth of your writing. Authenticity and appropriation are such fraught topics and we should never let them stand in the way of appreciation and awareness and wonder. Thank you so much for this newsletter!
You say "depth," I say "overthinking" haha. But thank you so much for your kind words!
I'm sorry, but the mention of Chinese food and Trader Vic's made me laugh. It reminded me of Warren Zevon and his song Werewolves of London. I know, it's an obscure reference. The first verse starts
I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of SoHo in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fooks
For to get a big dish of beef chow mein
And a little later in the song…
I saw Lon Chaney Jr. walking with the Queen,
Doin' the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinkin' a piña colada at Trader Vic's
His hair was perfect
A few years after you visited Topeka-my home town, Aaron Jackson bought the house across the street from WB Baptist and turned it into the Rainbow House. https://www.facebook.com/photo?fbid=10168353363365414&set=a.10152356052550414. I hope you can access the Facebook post. It makes me smile every time I drive by. Davis Hammet, who helped him paint the house, has stayed and advocates for human rights. P.S.--yes, our Chinese (American) restaurants have too much fried stuff and not enough vegetables. :)
Since I frequently operate "outside" "my" culture or see myself as a border-crosser, your thoughts on identity touch me deeply; and because I feel myself in aging transition, not sure where to land, I need much more reflection. Perhaps in this time of angry division, trying to be just a good human is a worthy goal.
Beulah, I am also in aging transition, and the best gift of this time period for me has been the gift of time to think about things. Working part-time, not being in the rat race or raising children, and able to process (properly) some things in my life--I have needed that for a long time. I hope your journey is a meaningful one for you :-)
I had to laugh at myself. I thought, "how could he know if he likes Crab Rangoon after just one bite at one place?" Then you described it & yeah that's exactly like how it is. I love it. Ha!
I was hoping to see a fourth emancipatory thing on your list: Perhaps the emancipatory thing that I want to be willing to say is that I will spend less energy judging myself...
It's an interesting thing: Where is the line between self-awareness and self-judgment?
From one Cantonese American to another, here's hoping that you get a chance to revel in the sounds of Canto again soon. My partner (Taiwanese American) *loves* crab rangoon so I was laughing while reading this. Loved where you took this essay.
Sometimes I'll put some Cantopop on, and if I'm in a city with a Chinatown, I'll inevitably find myself there at some point. But it would be nice to feel functional again in the language beyond the ability to order food haha.
I really resonate with the grief surrounding loss of language. I speak Thai but am so rusty as it’s been over 14 years since I lived there and I have no one to practice with. I read an article once about a person who chose to only consume media in her first language during the season of lent as a way to reconnect with it. I would love to try that at some point, but maybe start with a shorter period of time.
I am chuckling at the fact that you were interviewing members of Westboro Church in Topeka, KS. I was born and raised in NE Kansas and my good friend used to live a block from Westboro. May I share with you what never failed to lift my spirits when driving by that church? The blatantly rainbow painted house sitting catty-corner from it!!! Bless them for making that statement. Did you see it when you were there? I just saw that someone beat me to the punch with the rainbow house story!
I loved everything about this newsletter except your lack of appreciation for Crab Rangoon. Ha! I suggest that you mix some hot mustard (probably not Chinese either) into the bright red sauce. While I was reading, I was thinking about how I identify myself. Overeducated, retired, middle class, gay, white, woman would click a lot of boxes but I primarily want to be known as a caring and compassionate person.
Jeff, When I read this note it sounded in my head like a confession and request for forgiveness. (My childhood church was ELCA.) I “positively appropriated” your words and edited them to fit that format. I’m working on a personal statement of who I am and who I strive to become. These words, or something like them may end up a part of that statement. (Being authentically me, though, I’m *never* eating Crab Rangoon or Chop Suey. 😊) My favorite meal right now is kalamata and large green olives with spices and feta over toasted ciabatta bread drizzled with a little olive oil.
Lord, I confess I have let my fear of being misunderstood overshadow my courage simply to be who I am—and to let others be who they are. I have not been as openhearted as I would like to believe. I have become so distracted by what I loathe that I have lost sight of what I love.
Forgive me. Help me authentically live the identity that I most wish to live--that of a decent, generous human. Help me spend less energy judging others, and give me the energy to expend the effort toward being the kind of person I wish to encounter—curious and compassionate, loving and kind.
Amen.
This is lovely. Thank you so much!
Thank you, Sarah!
I’m still healing from years of narrow thinking even when I thought I was thinking broadly.
Your words about identity are encouraging and what I’m hoping to live into the next 40 years.
“He rejects superficial purity tests in favor of a hospitable posture that points us toward deeper healing. Enough with the gatekeepers. Enough with the scarcity models that underlie the inflexible labels. Enough with the fixation on what is mine and what is yours. Enough with narrow views of identity and ownership.”
Thank you Jeff. You write so beautifully and so deeply. I can’t express enough what this means to me.
Mahalo for this post and these thoughts. I often wondered, when I was in seminary, about being an indigenous person living in a far away land. So many of my cultural practices are tied to Hawaii, and being a part of her particularities - chants for different seasons, or different flowers, or different ocean states; hula for various beloved places or a particular type of wind only found in one town, etc. I thought and struggled a lot with what it meant to be kanaka mail in a place that is not Hawaii. Is indigeneity tied to blood? Surely not, as blood quantum is an oppressive colonial idea, meant for erasure and not liberation. Is it tied to practice? Anyway. .. .mahalo for the ways you have shared your thoughts and your struggling on this topic. Right now a favorite meal is a really large cheeseboard / charcuterie with lots of fresh garden veggies, eaten every Friday night with our 3 year old foster son in front of a movie.
Thank you for the reminder that being a decent human, generous, kind and curious is a worthy goal. I was recently asked what my “brand” is by a work colleague and it stumped me. I think you’ve given me some words to answer that question (because I DO in fact have to answer it).
My favorite meal recently is blackened Mahi Mahi with a salad, Italian dressing and must have homemade tartar sauce made with Japanese mayo and Grillo’s pickles.
I’m not a fan of crab Rangoon because I don’t like crab but I love a cream cheese wonton! Sorry not sorry!
Also… Your post has me thinking about the ways we appropriate all kinds of food from other places and I wondered, when “American food” (is there really anything American? IDK) is appropriated in other places, do they do the same? Is a burger or a hot dog changed to meet the tastes of the culture in which it’s dropped?
Aren't hamburger and hot dog actually German in origin? Cultures morph and cuisines mix.
Maybe they are? So is there any food that’s really “American?” I think most of us have food that tastes like home or comfort. And whatever that is, I think it’s a beautiful thing. My kids are coming to visit for a few days and they will invariably ask for something to eat that tastes like home. I love the power of food and the way it brings us together, appropriated and morphed or not!
i truly did not ever anticipate seeing Frederick Buechner and crab rangoon in the same sentence, ever. relating to much of what you shared, especially "chinese on the outside but losing fluency of my first language". i can still read of most chinese menus posted on the walls at chinese restaurants, for which there are no english translations for though, so holding on to this little piece. the reminder to be like the tulips are a timely reminder for me. appreciate you!
My reading is so bad! I can puzzle out some of the Chinese-only menus, but it's fading....
Do you like crab Rangoon?!
hahahah i literally had to google it because I legitimately did not know what it was.
In the same way that Tim's grandpa (lives in a very white mennonite town) wanted to have Moo Goo Gai Pan a few weeks ago and I had to google that.
cream cheese does not belong in chinese cuisine. or dumplings.
solidarity with you.
Moo Goo Gai Pan is at least closer to the Chinese food that we're familiar with!
Thank you so much for this, Jeff! My husband and I have a reoccurring conversation about whether labels are freeing or restrictive - probably because they are both.
The “decent generous human” is a really powerful resonant choice of words. I’m going to be sitting with that phrase for awhile.
I was going to write a whole tangent about cheese and the ability to digest milk into adulthood (because there was an interesting note about it in “Eating to Extinction”, which I finished reading recently) but it got too long too quickly and I don’t really know anything so I’ll spare you all. But it is fascinating! XD