Wonderful article Jeff. Life is just complicated and lonely right now for various reasons. Hopefully after me knee surgery on 9/5 and the recovery my feelings will change
Having just moved to a new state for my work, I often don’t feel like I belong.
Despite being in spaces and being invited into spaces, I am having to actively work pass the belief that I won’t be accepted for who I am.
For me, recent past ministry trauma contributes to this fight.
Thank you. Prior to reading this, I did not realize just how what I often feel in this season is in fact loneliness and just how accepting of it I’ve grown.
I have been learning to receive in this season, relearning what’s normal. Praise God.
I think I've written before about something that the theologian Kwok Pui-lan told me, which I am still trying to put into practice myself. As someone who was born and reared in Hong Kong but who teaches mainly in the US, she said that she creates her own sense of belonging wherever she goes. It's a way of coping with the reality that others probably won't be able to create that belonging for her, so she has learned to rest in her own belovedness and carry her belonging with her—and even invite people into that. I aspire to that! Sending you my solidarity.
Coincidentally I’m reading Belonging by Geoffrey Cohen. It’s such a nice companion to this set of thoughts. Safe travels my friend and thank you for your generosity always.
Hi Jeff, This week's topic is so important to read and digest. I keep hearing/reading about loneliness but don't feel it myself at all. As I inspect my interactions with people, I realized that I have so many types of connections with my community - my church friends, a multitude of other volunteer friends, the people who frequent our local farmer's market, with the checkout workers when I shop, the mail carrier, my neighbors who walk their dogs, and especially my life partner who listens to me complain as much as I need, then states "Are you ready to move on now?" The secret for me has been to reach out to people, even when they are strangers and I'll never see them again, to make a connection. It's very rare for someone to ignore me or appear irritated; rather we might share a laugh or even just a sigh, especially of the grocery line is LONG and not moving. Consequently, I never feel isolated or lonely. I'm so blessed to have this peace in my soul.
Well, that's an interesting question. I noticed that my adult son would reach out to people in his everyday interactions and watched the positive the responses from people, so he was a major model for me. I also have heard multiple messages from our former pastor, a true introvert, about the call to help everyone feel significant and seen. I've also deliberately formed community in multiple spheres beyond my deep connections within my church (Deacons, choir, women's retreat leader, etc.), as I believed that it's important to have a variety of networks. I especially made a point to have connections during the pandemic which was helpful for me. I believe that most folks are surprised but pleased to share a moment's interaction with someone, particularly when there is no expectation of commitment and when the interaction is positive, sometimes even self-deprecating. The laugh makes it easy and worthwhile. For example, if the grocery line is moving too slowly and everyone is getting a bit itchy, I might mention to the person by me "I should put a X on my back to let everyone know that I always choose the slowest line!" or some such thing. The comment isn't nasty, but it expresses everyone's frustration in a way that gets a laugh. That triggers a brief but useful conversation that also creates a calm attitude. I believe this is a small way of helping my neighbors. Aren't we all each other's keepers?
Thank you for this Jeff, and for the complicated feelings it brings up for me! Yes, I welcome complicated feelings!
I first think about my two adult children who moved to the Dallas area a few years ago. My daughter was married at the time and she and her wife divorced shortly after. She has a new partner now, but has no friends. She is struggling to find friendship as she recognizes her partner can’t be her only source of community. Apparently there is an app called “Bumble BFF” where you can find friends. If that doesn’t speak to the need for people to find community, I don’t know what does. She is hoping to find a friend using a “dating app.” Just wow.
My son and his family are looking to move to the Vegas area to be closer to family because all of their attempts to develop relationships in Texas haven’t led to anything. Moms decline play date invitations and it’s disheartening.
For myself, I’m single, and I have wonderful friendships and what I would call community. Yet I can be lonely, especially in leadership (“It’s lonely at the top” is a real thing!) and can feel lonely or like a third wheel with my married friends.
As I said it brings up complicated feelings, and I love that you’re not afraid to call it what it is and inspire conversation around the topic. I can so often feel lonely even in a group, and I wonder if it’s because something in me wants to be seen and known, and in so many ways, especially in my work, that’s just not possible. I have to see and hear and try to know those under my care, but have to accept that no one can truly see or know me.
I do wonder whether forging friendship is a skill that has, to some degree, deteriorated and even gone out of fashion. This society/culture prides itself so much on self-sufficiency and independence. Even if these things aren't actually real, so many of us tell ourselves that they matter. The walls are high, the protections fierce—and all that makes friendship so much more difficult.
As far as the loneliness of leadership: I've read over your comment a few times now, and I've been thinking about parallels in my own experience, especially when it comes to work. Here's my wondering: Does a sense of belonging require that we feel *fully* seen and known? I don't actually know anyone else, for instance, who does quite what I do in the world; my work is weird. Maybe part of the practice, at least for some of us, requires acknowledging that the particularity of our vocation is such that we cannot be fully known in that way, yet that doesn't preclude belonging. I know that, often, I've needed to recalibrate my expectations of other humans—and perhaps even some of my hopes.
I do wonder along with you if forging friendship is a skill… and maybe one that has gotten lost as so much of what we see, think, feel, share is through a device and not face to face or even voice to voice. Maybe we’ve created our own barriers to social interaction.
Thanks for your comments on vocation. I think you’re right about recalibrating our expectations of other humans. I tend to expect to be treated as a peer (which I was a mere year ago) and now that I’m “the boss” feel a little off-put that I’m on the outside when I used to be on the inside. That said, I have indeed been recalibrating for the past year, and I’m learning that to find camaraderie with peers I have to work hard at connecting with others in my organization at my same level. And even then I feel guarded because you never know what might get back to the boss or the boss’s boss. I’m a person who loves to connect and it’s a bit exhausting to have a lot of one-way connections, but that is the life I lead, at least at work. I’m thankful for personal relationships where it doesn’t have to be that way.
Churches, communities, and organizations are often, intentionally or not, complicit in the denial, stigma, and shame cast upon loneliness and, more specifically, lonely people. The church has been building community for over 2,000 years and, yet still, congregations have many lonely people. “All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” Congregations are insensitive to lonely pastors. For example: “You were called by God to ministry; ordained to leadership in community; went to seminary; lead Bible study; and we have fellowships, advocacy groups, and potluck suppers and you are lonely?” Well, uh, in that case, maybe not. Keek the loneliness to yourself. Pastors are also often reluctant to acknowledge, let alone address in sermons, what they cannot remedy or cure. My 2023 book, “The Gospel of Loneliness” (Pilgrim Press, UCC) de-stigmatizes and de-shames and, literally, celebrates loneliness as a gift and tool of transformation. Gospel means good news. Yes, loneliness can be literally deadly. But do can boredom. Thank God for loneliness. Want to see its beauty revealed? Look at the paintings of Freida Kahlo or Edward Hopper. His exhibition at the Whitney Museum in New York was sold out every dingle day it was open. And his works drip with loneliness. So too do some of the best songs ever written. We held a multi-disciplinary (art, choreography and music) Festival of Loneliness at my church that was very success. And yet, sadly, for this pastor and author - my book, webinars, workshops and talks are most resisted my churches and church folk. And, yes, fun and creative ways to address and explore loneliness in community and community-building is specifically addressed as well. Peace is Possible, Dwight Lee Wolter.
This is great! Yes, I think complaining can be an excellent tool, as Perel says. It's not a great place to live, but it can be a fine springboard to use to get somewhere else we need to go.
I am an introvert and never really understood lonely until the covid pandemic. I realized that I was going out and spending time with people almost every day, and once I had to stay home alone, I missed others. It has given me an appreciation for others and gotten me to spend more time creating community.
Good for you. I'm deeply introverted as well, though I would say that my life experience did introduce me to loneliness well before the pandemic. Needing alone time to recharge and needing community aren't mutually exclusive! I think we live—and thrive—in the both/and. And hopefully, as you create community, you'll meet others where they are too and bless them with the gift of your friendship.
Oh, it didn't change my need for alone time, it's just that time alone is already built into my life. It just gave me more appreciation and gratitude for those people in my life and encouraged me to work on developing other relationships. Totally agree in both/and. I desire to be able to balance both of those.
For myself, I think we design our lives in a way. I had to first acknowledge that I was feeling lonely, to be able to decide to do something about it. I became more open to relationships, and just being more open I did notice some people came to me. But I also put myself out there, just being more friendly, talking to strangers or inviting others to lunch or joining a group. Or creating a group, which has been great on many levels.
Dwight, should it be up to the lonely ones? No. But often it is. And especially for those in our societies who have been marked as "other," belonging and community aren't on offer; they have to be created for ourselves.
What a treat to read your well thought out words. I love this sentence. “Others have spent months, if not years, puzzling through precisely what they need to do to renovate the infrastructure of their lives for better support. “
It seems to me to be too much of an ask for lonely people to spend “months if not years puzzling through precisely what they need to do to renovate the infrastructure of their lives.” Imagine this with a diabetes patient. We collectively abandon people to their loneliness.
Since 2020, I’ve worked from home except for my work on show site at conventions. The impact of not having the casual connections of an office and daily interactions doing “normal” errands has been greater than I could have imagined.
At the same time, it pales in comparison to the loneliness that I observe with my mother and mother-in-law. Both are over 80 now, and live in independent senior communities. Despite the communal dining and many scheduled social opportunities, the impact of pandemic isolation on them is largely evident. I’ll always be grateful to you for sending my mother a beautiful, thoughtful, handwritten postcard in the midst of lockdown. What a blessing you were then, and continue to be. Thank you, Jeff.
Lovely., Stacey. And lovely of Jeff. But why not address the administration and staff of the independent senior community about their inability or, more likely, unwillingness to directly address the “impact of pandemic isolation on them”? Would they be so remiss if there was an outbreak of flu or Boar’s Head listeria? Why is loneliness tolerated thus? I hope and pray your mother and mother-in-law are doing well. -Dwight Lee Wolter.
Simple - neither of them are living in the same place now that they were in the height of lockdown. And that other adage about leading a horse to water also applies for one of them.
Change often feels so hard to me—and I'm not over 80! I can only imagine how hard it must feel for your mother and your mother-in-law. Send me a DM, and I will send your mom another note.
I retired from my job as a college professor and moved back "home". I thought I'd return to the community I left behind for 22 years. It's been six years and I've yet to rejoin my old group of friends or find a community where I belong. I'm incredibly lonely and while I've reached some level of acceptance over my situation, I don't like it.
What if loneliness was a feather tickling your bare feet? Would you struggle to find some level of acceptance? Or maybe see the feather as a gift that inspires change?
My husband died in May and I am so lonely for his company. We had such fun together for the 43 years we were married. He is the best thing I ever did. I have many friends and a beautiful family, but this loneliness is wrapped up in grief.
So sorry for your loss, Cindy. Even time takes time. May was just a short while ago. Loneliness is also a sign of connection, as is grief. As is love. 43 years! Congratulations! I am pleased you have such support of family and friends. -Dwight Lee Wolter.
Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever replace your husband's company, which will always be sui generis, as he was. What a testimony that you spent so many decades building a life of rich memories and happiness together. I hope that those memories will offer some small consolation—and that, as you continue to walk through your grief, your friends and family will meet you where you are and accompany you along the way.
My wife and I have a friend who is in her late 90s. Incredibly she's still in her own home by herself. But, even with women's club and church, she gets lonely, so this reminded me to invite her to go out for breakfast tomorrow morning. Thank you.
How was breakfast? The gift of your time and attention—not to mention food!—is a wonderful thing to offer your friend.
The thing about women's club and church that occurs to me: Just because you're around people doesn't negate loneliness. I can think of multiple occasions where there were lots of people around, but it actually exacerbated the loneliness because I felt like a misfit. But I suspect you know this!
lol I wrote a post but lost it. Will have to do a blog post on this haunting topic!
Another thoughtful piece, Jeff, thank you. I also loved the paintings and how beautifully you pull it all together. ❤️
Wonderful article Jeff. Life is just complicated and lonely right now for various reasons. Hopefully after me knee surgery on 9/5 and the recovery my feelings will change
I think you helped me connect a few dots.
Having just moved to a new state for my work, I often don’t feel like I belong.
Despite being in spaces and being invited into spaces, I am having to actively work pass the belief that I won’t be accepted for who I am.
For me, recent past ministry trauma contributes to this fight.
Thank you. Prior to reading this, I did not realize just how what I often feel in this season is in fact loneliness and just how accepting of it I’ve grown.
I have been learning to receive in this season, relearning what’s normal. Praise God.
I think I've written before about something that the theologian Kwok Pui-lan told me, which I am still trying to put into practice myself. As someone who was born and reared in Hong Kong but who teaches mainly in the US, she said that she creates her own sense of belonging wherever she goes. It's a way of coping with the reality that others probably won't be able to create that belonging for her, so she has learned to rest in her own belovedness and carry her belonging with her—and even invite people into that. I aspire to that! Sending you my solidarity.
Thank you!
Coincidentally I’m reading Belonging by Geoffrey Cohen. It’s such a nice companion to this set of thoughts. Safe travels my friend and thank you for your generosity always.
Hi Jeff, This week's topic is so important to read and digest. I keep hearing/reading about loneliness but don't feel it myself at all. As I inspect my interactions with people, I realized that I have so many types of connections with my community - my church friends, a multitude of other volunteer friends, the people who frequent our local farmer's market, with the checkout workers when I shop, the mail carrier, my neighbors who walk their dogs, and especially my life partner who listens to me complain as much as I need, then states "Are you ready to move on now?" The secret for me has been to reach out to people, even when they are strangers and I'll never see them again, to make a connection. It's very rare for someone to ignore me or appear irritated; rather we might share a laugh or even just a sigh, especially of the grocery line is LONG and not moving. Consequently, I never feel isolated or lonely. I'm so blessed to have this peace in my soul.
I'm curious to know, if you know: Who modeled this for you? How did you learn how to forge connection with people?
Well, that's an interesting question. I noticed that my adult son would reach out to people in his everyday interactions and watched the positive the responses from people, so he was a major model for me. I also have heard multiple messages from our former pastor, a true introvert, about the call to help everyone feel significant and seen. I've also deliberately formed community in multiple spheres beyond my deep connections within my church (Deacons, choir, women's retreat leader, etc.), as I believed that it's important to have a variety of networks. I especially made a point to have connections during the pandemic which was helpful for me. I believe that most folks are surprised but pleased to share a moment's interaction with someone, particularly when there is no expectation of commitment and when the interaction is positive, sometimes even self-deprecating. The laugh makes it easy and worthwhile. For example, if the grocery line is moving too slowly and everyone is getting a bit itchy, I might mention to the person by me "I should put a X on my back to let everyone know that I always choose the slowest line!" or some such thing. The comment isn't nasty, but it expresses everyone's frustration in a way that gets a laugh. That triggers a brief but useful conversation that also creates a calm attitude. I believe this is a small way of helping my neighbors. Aren't we all each other's keepers?
Thank you for this Jeff, and for the complicated feelings it brings up for me! Yes, I welcome complicated feelings!
I first think about my two adult children who moved to the Dallas area a few years ago. My daughter was married at the time and she and her wife divorced shortly after. She has a new partner now, but has no friends. She is struggling to find friendship as she recognizes her partner can’t be her only source of community. Apparently there is an app called “Bumble BFF” where you can find friends. If that doesn’t speak to the need for people to find community, I don’t know what does. She is hoping to find a friend using a “dating app.” Just wow.
My son and his family are looking to move to the Vegas area to be closer to family because all of their attempts to develop relationships in Texas haven’t led to anything. Moms decline play date invitations and it’s disheartening.
For myself, I’m single, and I have wonderful friendships and what I would call community. Yet I can be lonely, especially in leadership (“It’s lonely at the top” is a real thing!) and can feel lonely or like a third wheel with my married friends.
As I said it brings up complicated feelings, and I love that you’re not afraid to call it what it is and inspire conversation around the topic. I can so often feel lonely even in a group, and I wonder if it’s because something in me wants to be seen and known, and in so many ways, especially in my work, that’s just not possible. I have to see and hear and try to know those under my care, but have to accept that no one can truly see or know me.
It's all very complicated!
I do wonder whether forging friendship is a skill that has, to some degree, deteriorated and even gone out of fashion. This society/culture prides itself so much on self-sufficiency and independence. Even if these things aren't actually real, so many of us tell ourselves that they matter. The walls are high, the protections fierce—and all that makes friendship so much more difficult.
As far as the loneliness of leadership: I've read over your comment a few times now, and I've been thinking about parallels in my own experience, especially when it comes to work. Here's my wondering: Does a sense of belonging require that we feel *fully* seen and known? I don't actually know anyone else, for instance, who does quite what I do in the world; my work is weird. Maybe part of the practice, at least for some of us, requires acknowledging that the particularity of our vocation is such that we cannot be fully known in that way, yet that doesn't preclude belonging. I know that, often, I've needed to recalibrate my expectations of other humans—and perhaps even some of my hopes.
Hi Jeff,
I do wonder along with you if forging friendship is a skill… and maybe one that has gotten lost as so much of what we see, think, feel, share is through a device and not face to face or even voice to voice. Maybe we’ve created our own barriers to social interaction.
Thanks for your comments on vocation. I think you’re right about recalibrating our expectations of other humans. I tend to expect to be treated as a peer (which I was a mere year ago) and now that I’m “the boss” feel a little off-put that I’m on the outside when I used to be on the inside. That said, I have indeed been recalibrating for the past year, and I’m learning that to find camaraderie with peers I have to work hard at connecting with others in my organization at my same level. And even then I feel guarded because you never know what might get back to the boss or the boss’s boss. I’m a person who loves to connect and it’s a bit exhausting to have a lot of one-way connections, but that is the life I lead, at least at work. I’m thankful for personal relationships where it doesn’t have to be that way.
So true!
Churches, communities, and organizations are often, intentionally or not, complicit in the denial, stigma, and shame cast upon loneliness and, more specifically, lonely people. The church has been building community for over 2,000 years and, yet still, congregations have many lonely people. “All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” Congregations are insensitive to lonely pastors. For example: “You were called by God to ministry; ordained to leadership in community; went to seminary; lead Bible study; and we have fellowships, advocacy groups, and potluck suppers and you are lonely?” Well, uh, in that case, maybe not. Keek the loneliness to yourself. Pastors are also often reluctant to acknowledge, let alone address in sermons, what they cannot remedy or cure. My 2023 book, “The Gospel of Loneliness” (Pilgrim Press, UCC) de-stigmatizes and de-shames and, literally, celebrates loneliness as a gift and tool of transformation. Gospel means good news. Yes, loneliness can be literally deadly. But do can boredom. Thank God for loneliness. Want to see its beauty revealed? Look at the paintings of Freida Kahlo or Edward Hopper. His exhibition at the Whitney Museum in New York was sold out every dingle day it was open. And his works drip with loneliness. So too do some of the best songs ever written. We held a multi-disciplinary (art, choreography and music) Festival of Loneliness at my church that was very success. And yet, sadly, for this pastor and author - my book, webinars, workshops and talks are most resisted my churches and church folk. And, yes, fun and creative ways to address and explore loneliness in community and community-building is specifically addressed as well. Peace is Possible, Dwight Lee Wolter.
Reading your post, I flashed back on another article I read about "the art of complaining." Thought you might be interested -- https://www.estherperel.com/blog/letters-from-esther-joy-of-complaining
This is great! Yes, I think complaining can be an excellent tool, as Perel says. It's not a great place to live, but it can be a fine springboard to use to get somewhere else we need to go.
I am an introvert and never really understood lonely until the covid pandemic. I realized that I was going out and spending time with people almost every day, and once I had to stay home alone, I missed others. It has given me an appreciation for others and gotten me to spend more time creating community.
Good for you. I'm deeply introverted as well, though I would say that my life experience did introduce me to loneliness well before the pandemic. Needing alone time to recharge and needing community aren't mutually exclusive! I think we live—and thrive—in the both/and. And hopefully, as you create community, you'll meet others where they are too and bless them with the gift of your friendship.
Oh, it didn't change my need for alone time, it's just that time alone is already built into my life. It just gave me more appreciation and gratitude for those people in my life and encouraged me to work on developing other relationships. Totally agree in both/and. I desire to be able to balance both of those.
Why is it up to the lonely ones to go about creating community?
For myself, I think we design our lives in a way. I had to first acknowledge that I was feeling lonely, to be able to decide to do something about it. I became more open to relationships, and just being more open I did notice some people came to me. But I also put myself out there, just being more friendly, talking to strangers or inviting others to lunch or joining a group. Or creating a group, which has been great on many levels.
Dwight, should it be up to the lonely ones? No. But often it is. And especially for those in our societies who have been marked as "other," belonging and community aren't on offer; they have to be created for ourselves.
My work involves creating opportunities of community from the bricks and mortar of loneliness.
What a treat to read your well thought out words. I love this sentence. “Others have spent months, if not years, puzzling through precisely what they need to do to renovate the infrastructure of their lives for better support. “
It seems to me to be too much of an ask for lonely people to spend “months if not years puzzling through precisely what they need to do to renovate the infrastructure of their lives.” Imagine this with a diabetes patient. We collectively abandon people to their loneliness.
Since 2020, I’ve worked from home except for my work on show site at conventions. The impact of not having the casual connections of an office and daily interactions doing “normal” errands has been greater than I could have imagined.
At the same time, it pales in comparison to the loneliness that I observe with my mother and mother-in-law. Both are over 80 now, and live in independent senior communities. Despite the communal dining and many scheduled social opportunities, the impact of pandemic isolation on them is largely evident. I’ll always be grateful to you for sending my mother a beautiful, thoughtful, handwritten postcard in the midst of lockdown. What a blessing you were then, and continue to be. Thank you, Jeff.
Lovely., Stacey. And lovely of Jeff. But why not address the administration and staff of the independent senior community about their inability or, more likely, unwillingness to directly address the “impact of pandemic isolation on them”? Would they be so remiss if there was an outbreak of flu or Boar’s Head listeria? Why is loneliness tolerated thus? I hope and pray your mother and mother-in-law are doing well. -Dwight Lee Wolter.
Simple - neither of them are living in the same place now that they were in the height of lockdown. And that other adage about leading a horse to water also applies for one of them.
Change often feels so hard to me—and I'm not over 80! I can only imagine how hard it must feel for your mother and your mother-in-law. Send me a DM, and I will send your mom another note.
I retired from my job as a college professor and moved back "home". I thought I'd return to the community I left behind for 22 years. It's been six years and I've yet to rejoin my old group of friends or find a community where I belong. I'm incredibly lonely and while I've reached some level of acceptance over my situation, I don't like it.
What if loneliness was a feather tickling your bare feet? Would you struggle to find some level of acceptance? Or maybe see the feather as a gift that inspires change?
My husband died in May and I am so lonely for his company. We had such fun together for the 43 years we were married. He is the best thing I ever did. I have many friends and a beautiful family, but this loneliness is wrapped up in grief.
So sorry for your loss, Cindy. Even time takes time. May was just a short while ago. Loneliness is also a sign of connection, as is grief. As is love. 43 years! Congratulations! I am pleased you have such support of family and friends. -Dwight Lee Wolter.
Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever replace your husband's company, which will always be sui generis, as he was. What a testimony that you spent so many decades building a life of rich memories and happiness together. I hope that those memories will offer some small consolation—and that, as you continue to walk through your grief, your friends and family will meet you where you are and accompany you along the way.
My wife and I have a friend who is in her late 90s. Incredibly she's still in her own home by herself. But, even with women's club and church, she gets lonely, so this reminded me to invite her to go out for breakfast tomorrow morning. Thank you.
Now you, Sonnie, sound like a good friend.
How was breakfast? The gift of your time and attention—not to mention food!—is a wonderful thing to offer your friend.
The thing about women's club and church that occurs to me: Just because you're around people doesn't negate loneliness. I can think of multiple occasions where there were lots of people around, but it actually exacerbated the loneliness because I felt like a misfit. But I suspect you know this!