Thank you for telling me about The Pillow Book. I had to pause your newsletter a moment and immediately request it from the library. I'm excited! I love the stories about your garden and food. They make me happy.
Boy Jeff, I feel so sad even thinking that you get that sort of criticism from your essays. Thank you for sharing about these reactions As you wrote, we sure need more curiosity! My friends and I have adopted “AND” because we have learned that “BUT” just feels judgy and life is more about the complexities.
Love this phrase of yours. “It is to rebuke the noxious ranking of lived experience. It is to embrace a generosity that makes room for imperfect storytelling—and imperfect storytellers”. We are all imperfect and wonderful. I love seeing life through another soul. And I learn so much from people that are so different than I am. Thanks for sharing about this poet. What a wild writer and shows me how similar we humans have always been.
To be clear, this wasn't written primarily in response to criticism leveled against me! It was more a thought exercise as I processed some things I saw happening with others' writing. Thank you for your kindness.
Thanks for this, Jeff. Good reminder and timely. Especially insightful about the more points of similarity between storyteller and storyreceiver, the more difficult to resist the more graceless responses.
I'm going through Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes' book right now, taking it a day at a time like she suggests. While I have a bit of "devotional trauma" from my strict evangelical upbringing (the only way to get close to God is to have a daily quiet time, you know), her voice and spirit flow from the pages, and I'm finding the practices to be less annoying than I thought I would -- that is to say, not at all. It was lovely to see praise from you and Sarah on the back cover. It felt like stepping into a circle of friends.
lol yes to "But it’s not your story, is it?" It's so maddening, especially on social media when we have to give a thousand disclaimers. I do find that it's one symptom of a larger issue at the intersection of consumerism and Christian culture that every form of media is design to preach at us or sell us on something. It's right in the name of "evangelical media," but that style influences too heavily into personal posts and videos, so we're trained to constantly be preached at as well as marketed to. Even if you don't have a specific product to earn money from, it's in the way we (often are required to for certain careers) build our "brand." Phrased in the imperative, to a hungry audience who wants to be told what to do and think and say to not offend and make life easier, even if it's veiled politely as an ad testimonial to why it works.
So when as contemplative or narrative or memoir writers, we say, "This is my perspective," an audience of consumers with marketing-fed preached-at brains replies (or quote tweets), "But what about me? I thought writing, publishing, and posting were teaching/preaching/influencing/meeting MY needs and desires? I can't buy this and instantly have a better, more magical life?" I think we'd all do well to take into consideration the contemplate principle of "use I language to speak your truth" and then "listen with a posture of openness and mindfulness" in return. This isn't a "we all" or an implied "you" in an instruction or a sermon or advertisement; just my own story to tell, and I am open and grateful to hold your own in response. Not when phrased as a criticism, but when phrased as a conversation. I do want dialogue. I don't need unsolicited critique. And the more we deconstruct from the evangelical capitalism machine, maybe we can reclaim that as a society?
I wonder if there might be an opportunity here for those of us who have had to read rooms all our lives, sometimes for the sake of survival, and those of us who have typically not been able to find ourselves in many of the stories that are most loudly told. After all, we know exactly how it is to have the stories not be about us. So as we learn to tell our stories, we might firmly but gently set the boundaries—"this isn't about you." And as we receive graciously those that others tell, perhaps we also get to model for others how that can work.
Yes! My friend Elle did this so well recently writing about their experiences of having sex as an ace person. Often we fall into that "danger of a single story" with narratives that are told, like people think ALL asexuality is being taught about when it's just one person describing their experiences. But Elle was so clear and firm about "This is just me. This is my story, not yours, not everyone's, not all aces' experiences. Just a side you may not have heard before that you need to know is real too."
As I read your words today Jeff I couldn’t help thinking of the need I have and perhaps we all do for an empathetic listener and reader some one to really hear us and not refashion our experience into their own Thank you
Dear Jeff, I met you in 2018 in Durham NC when you gave a talk at a conference hosted by Nadia Bolz-Weber and Rachel Held Evans. Later I loved your collaboration with Rachel. So it's wonderful to find you again! But I'm new to Substack, so how can I find the newsletter you mentioned called "No Trifling Manner"? Thank you for such good (and timely) thoughts about reading and empathy and joy.
I found No Trifling MATTER, thanks to your easy instructions. Now I'm looking forward to meeting Dr. Walker-Barnes and getting tips on maintaining peace in an anxious world. (I don't know why my comment posted itself 3 times, but I deleted 2 of them.)
Jeff, it was so nice to meet Sei Shonagon and to hear your call to be an emphathetic, grace-filled reader. Looking forward to your memoir!
To paraphrase the late, great, Hal David, what the world needs now is empathy, sweet empathy. Thanks, Jeff.
Thank you for telling me about The Pillow Book. I had to pause your newsletter a moment and immediately request it from the library. I'm excited! I love the stories about your garden and food. They make me happy.
this.
" reject the lie that there isn’t room enough in this world for all our stories. "
❤
Thank you. I appreciate the reorientation to thinking how the author finds themselves in the writing.
Boy Jeff, I feel so sad even thinking that you get that sort of criticism from your essays. Thank you for sharing about these reactions As you wrote, we sure need more curiosity! My friends and I have adopted “AND” because we have learned that “BUT” just feels judgy and life is more about the complexities.
Love this phrase of yours. “It is to rebuke the noxious ranking of lived experience. It is to embrace a generosity that makes room for imperfect storytelling—and imperfect storytellers”. We are all imperfect and wonderful. I love seeing life through another soul. And I learn so much from people that are so different than I am. Thanks for sharing about this poet. What a wild writer and shows me how similar we humans have always been.
To be clear, this wasn't written primarily in response to criticism leveled against me! It was more a thought exercise as I processed some things I saw happening with others' writing. Thank you for your kindness.
I’m glad! 😊 I don’t want anyone picking on my friend! Thanks for elevating this topic though.
Thanks for this, Jeff. Good reminder and timely. Especially insightful about the more points of similarity between storyteller and storyreceiver, the more difficult to resist the more graceless responses.
I'm going through Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes' book right now, taking it a day at a time like she suggests. While I have a bit of "devotional trauma" from my strict evangelical upbringing (the only way to get close to God is to have a daily quiet time, you know), her voice and spirit flow from the pages, and I'm finding the practices to be less annoying than I thought I would -- that is to say, not at all. It was lovely to see praise from you and Sarah on the back cover. It felt like stepping into a circle of friends.
Devotional trauma... What a new way to describe that.
Jeff, I found this piece to be beautifully tender. Thank you. D
lol yes to "But it’s not your story, is it?" It's so maddening, especially on social media when we have to give a thousand disclaimers. I do find that it's one symptom of a larger issue at the intersection of consumerism and Christian culture that every form of media is design to preach at us or sell us on something. It's right in the name of "evangelical media," but that style influences too heavily into personal posts and videos, so we're trained to constantly be preached at as well as marketed to. Even if you don't have a specific product to earn money from, it's in the way we (often are required to for certain careers) build our "brand." Phrased in the imperative, to a hungry audience who wants to be told what to do and think and say to not offend and make life easier, even if it's veiled politely as an ad testimonial to why it works.
So when as contemplative or narrative or memoir writers, we say, "This is my perspective," an audience of consumers with marketing-fed preached-at brains replies (or quote tweets), "But what about me? I thought writing, publishing, and posting were teaching/preaching/influencing/meeting MY needs and desires? I can't buy this and instantly have a better, more magical life?" I think we'd all do well to take into consideration the contemplate principle of "use I language to speak your truth" and then "listen with a posture of openness and mindfulness" in return. This isn't a "we all" or an implied "you" in an instruction or a sermon or advertisement; just my own story to tell, and I am open and grateful to hold your own in response. Not when phrased as a criticism, but when phrased as a conversation. I do want dialogue. I don't need unsolicited critique. And the more we deconstruct from the evangelical capitalism machine, maybe we can reclaim that as a society?
I wonder if there might be an opportunity here for those of us who have had to read rooms all our lives, sometimes for the sake of survival, and those of us who have typically not been able to find ourselves in many of the stories that are most loudly told. After all, we know exactly how it is to have the stories not be about us. So as we learn to tell our stories, we might firmly but gently set the boundaries—"this isn't about you." And as we receive graciously those that others tell, perhaps we also get to model for others how that can work.
Yes! My friend Elle did this so well recently writing about their experiences of having sex as an ace person. Often we fall into that "danger of a single story" with narratives that are told, like people think ALL asexuality is being taught about when it's just one person describing their experiences. But Elle was so clear and firm about "This is just me. This is my story, not yours, not everyone's, not all aces' experiences. Just a side you may not have heard before that you need to know is real too."
Love this! Since I had a “preached at brain” for years I find this oddly comforting. What a joy to finally be a grown up! Thank you.
As I read your words today Jeff I couldn’t help thinking of the need I have and perhaps we all do for an empathetic listener and reader some one to really hear us and not refashion our experience into their own Thank you
Dear Jeff, I met you in 2018 in Durham NC when you gave a talk at a conference hosted by Nadia Bolz-Weber and Rachel Held Evans. Later I loved your collaboration with Rachel. So it's wonderful to find you again! But I'm new to Substack, so how can I find the newsletter you mentioned called "No Trifling Manner"? Thank you for such good (and timely) thoughts about reading and empathy and joy.
Just click on the link (the words "No Trifling Matter" should be clickable).
I found No Trifling MATTER, thanks to your easy instructions. Now I'm looking forward to meeting Dr. Walker-Barnes and getting tips on maintaining peace in an anxious world. (I don't know why my comment posted itself 3 times, but I deleted 2 of them.)